:Family Matters

November 25, 2007

Ah, dear reader now is the time to address the 800 pound gorilla in the room as I forge on in my attempt to answer the questions posed to me by Marie. The question that immediately comes to the mind of those when they first hear of it, and for which I have gained a lot of notoriety in my life time is this, “what was I thinking of when I married a man with six children?”

No one ever looks at this from a positive point of view. I have never once had anyone say, “How wonderful that you were blessed with a ‘ready made’ family. Instead all that anyone could focus on was the ‘work’ involved and my youth/inexperience as I turned 21 three days after MGH and I were married June 1, 1961. It was this point that turned my mother into a screaming harpy determined to show me the error of my thinking and bring the whole sorry episode to a screeching halt on the one hand while on the other hand doing her best to see that I had a lovely wedding/reception. She drove everyone around her crazy with her transition from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde several times a day depending on what part of the problem she was trying to deal with at the moment and this while working full time as a teacher in the then new field of special education not to mention her church assignments which were always heavy.

When even MGH asked me that question I came up with the flippant response, which he must have thought rather clever as he has repeated it often to others that, “I was too young to know any better”. This has more truth to it than I realized when I uttered it as youth is the time when we think we can do anything without the realization earned/tempered by experience that teaches us that some things are better off not tried, such as landing jet fighters on the deck of an aircraft carrier which I have always thought, even when I was young, to be absolute insanity. Please don’t get me wrong; I am not sorry for my choice as hindsight has shown me that chance brought me the best six children in the world to ‘earn my wings’ with. Of course there were days when I would gladly have shoved the whole thing into some other universe but as that happens in most families I don’t think I was so different in this regard.

My generation was probably the last of the traditional way of thinking that a woman’s place was in the home. I was raised with the idea that home and husband were where a woman truly ‘shone’ and that to even think of looking elsewhere as in a ‘career’, which at that time was pretty much limited to teaching or nursing, was heresy indeed. I never dated in high school not because I didn’t want to and very little at BYU where I really wanted too. At first I would go ‘stag’ with my roommates to the weekly dances where we huddled close together along the edge of the dance floor as the young men would walk the ‘meat’ line running a critical eye over the evening’s offering. The prettiest were always chosen leaving the rest of us in the uncomfortable position of trying to look like we were having a good time with the result that I never stayed until the dance ended. I don’t know what the numbers are now but when I attended BYU it was said that twenty percent of the girls did eighty percent of the dating leaving the rest of us with good grades and clean hair. (Just as an aside, this was not at all what mother envisioned for us. She wanted us to get a college education which she literally gave her life to provide for us, but even more than that she wanted us to marry in the church and she felt that attending BYU would provide the opportunity to do so as in if you want to marry a polar bear you have to go where the polar bears are. None of the G___ girls met their future husbands At BYU. Barbara met Bob while he was attending school at Parsons College in Fairfield, Iowa. Darlene and Hollis became acquainted while they were in high school as did Kathy and Gary.)

For me then, it was exciting to be courted. When MGHTB asked me to marry him I said yes even though I was secretly quite terrified at the prospect of so many children as part of the bargain. Dad’s assessment of MGHTB was, “he’s a Prince of a fellow”, which helped assuage some of my doubts. To my credit I can honestly add that I like children which was a good thing all things considered. The thought of all of the work that would be involved in their care didn’t faze me in the least especially as MGHTB assured me that I wouldn’t have to do it alone—he would be there with me. When I went for the blood test and physical which at that time was required by the state of Utah before a marriage license could be issued I was told by the Doctor that I was not built to have children as my hips were too narrow (46 years ago Caesarean sections were rarely considered or performed). This seemed to me to be further proof that I was doing the right thing as I really wanted to have a family. I find it somewhat ironic that at a later date I was told by another doctor, who I was seeing when carrying Sherman that I was built for having babies. By this time my hips had spread making delivery easy for us all as witness Brooks’s arrival on the way to the hospital.

I was privileged to add five children to MGH’s original six making a grand total of eleven in all. We had our good times and our bad but we made it through. One of my favorite songs, which MGHTB first sang to me while we were courting, is “Side by Side”. I’ve always considered it our family song. The words go like this:

Oh, we ain’t got a barrel of money,
Maybe we’re ragged and funny
But we’ll travel along
Singing a song
Side by side.

Don’t know what’s comin’ tomorrow
Maybe it’s trouble and sorrow
But we’ll travel the road
Sharing our load
Side by side.

Through all kinds of weather
What if the sky should fall?
Just as long as we’re together,
It doesn’t really matter at all.
When they’ve all had their quarrels and parted

We’ll be the same as we started
Just a-traveling along
Singing a song
Side by side.

And that’s the why of it. MGH asked me and I thought it sounded like a ‘grand’ adventure so I signed on’!

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November 18, 2007

The question for perusal today concerns MGH(My Good Husband) and how we met. Marie thinks that our posterity might be interested in this if only to answer the oft asked question, “What on earth were you thinking of when you married a man 12 years older than you?” I know mother was certainly interested in this subject as she broadcast to me on a regular basis the prospect of years of widowhood, because of the age difference, much as her mother had endured and further more I was to consider myself to have been warned when such an event occurred with comments offered to any and all who would listen, “that, Joanne has made her bed and now she will have to lie in it”. Which at the time I supposed meant that when I found my self in dire straits I was not to come home and complain or ask for help. Time, of course, has shown me that she was worried silly about what I had gotten myself into. Without realizing what she was doing with her ‘steering’ efforts in trying to dissuade me from my ill conceived, at least in her mind, course of action all she succeeded in doing was to cause me to dig in my heels and continue on. This had the unintended/unfortunate consequence that I closed off communication with my parents at a time when I could have used their advice and counsel about many things connected with my impending marriage and the ‘ready made’ family I was about acquire.

When I talked with MGHTB(My Good Husband To Be) about the age difference his reply was, “I can offer you as much time as anyone.” This has proven to be quite prophetic as we have now had 46 years together while my sister Darlene married the all American boy who completely met with mother’s approval only to find herself a young widow with three small children after a tragic car accident took his life and nearly did Darlene’s as well.

When asked where we first met MGH gets a merry twinkle in his eye and replies, “in the milk barn”. True this is where we became friends as he often came out to the new milk parlor where I helped Darlene get the milking done that summer. She was in charge of this process as the herringbone parlor had been built and put into operation while I was attending BYU my sophomore year. (The previous summer break I spent as a Girl Scout counselor in New Mexico and I had thought to do something similar this particular summer but Mother told me that I could be of more use to them financially if I came home and worked on the farm as Dad was short-handed, which I agreed to do.) Darlene did a good job as head milkmaid. She was hard working, careful with the cows as well as very reliable. MGH, who is attracted to the dairy cow like a moth to a light, naturally gravitated that direction when invited for dinner at our family table, which was often as mother had a nurturing streak a mile wide. It was only natural for him to help us out which he often did. This was greatly appreciated on our part but I am embarrassed to say that I watched what he did while milking the cows very closely to make sure that he didn’t damage them in any way as there is an art to milking a cow with a machine to make sure that the delicate tissues in her udder aren’t damaged by equipment that can’t think. To my absolute horror I discovered as time went on and I got to know him better that he was a herdsman extraordinaire’—one of the best in the country which made my skills pale by comparison.

We actually met for the first time at church which at that time was held in the Robert’s Building located near the entrance to the Van Buren County fairgrounds just outside of Keosauqua, Iowa. He was the sacrament speaker for that meeting and afterwards my parents, who often had guests to our home for a meal after meetings, invited him to come have lunch with us where he was properly introduced to the 4 daughters of the Branch President—not that that was the point,
although the results might have seemed to indicate that it was.

What I find most interesting about our meeting is that it was the result of my parents having lived in SnowFlake, Arizona where dad taught vocational agriculture at the high school and where Barbara and I were born. This small community was settled by members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—more popularly known as ‘Mormons’ who welcomed them with open arms and invitations to all the activities going on in that small town which were, of course, church related. My parents made many good friends and were eventually baptized into that faith but not until they had moved to Yuma, Arizona several years later. Vernon and Marshall F____, two brothers were among the friends they made and these two played an important part in where my parents chose to settle in the mid-west to take up farming which they did in 1953. The F____ brothers had moved to Iowa and were located at Bonaparte, Iowa which is alongside the Des Moines River. Marsh and Mel (his wife) along with several of their children and their collie Bingo lived in town while Vernon and his wife Dixie along with their three children, Darrell, Doreen and Wendell lived nearby on a large ‘ranch’, a term they brought with them from Arizona along with Levi jeans and rodeos which immediately set them off from the rest of the area not to mention their religious faith. When they heard that Dad was looking to farm they encouraged him to bring his family and come join them in the area, which my parents did. That is how we came to south eastern Iowa where the green of the surrounding country fooled my normally quite savy dad into thinking he had found the Garden of Eden after dry Arizona not realizing that the best land was further north where the ground was flat and fertile. He was influenced also by the fact that there was a small branch of the church located at Bonaparte, Iowa which was very important to both my parents and no doubt played a major role in their decision to settle where they did.

MGH served his mission in the Northern States mission which at that time covered 6 states. He played with the missionary orchestra, which was formed by his mission president Creed H______ and unique as it was the only one ever put together by a mission of the church. President H. that it would unite the members of the church who had struggled because the war, which had recently ended, had caused so much stress and reduced the numbers of young men who could serve missions which had the result of leaving many members feeling stranded and alone as gas and tires, among other things, were rationed as part of the war effort. President H. felt that it was important to bring church members together in a positive way which he hoped to accomplish by holding Gold and Green Balls throughout the mission. Bonaparte was one of the areas they visited with their music and it was while there that MGH made the acquaintance of the Flakes whom he quickly became good friends with.

Because of this friendship he found himself changing his carefully laid out travel itinerary on his way to auction school in Mason City, Iowa, so that he could swing down to visit the Flakes, or so he thought. Instead he found himself eating dinner at Merle and Fern F________’s home. The F________’s were transplants from Utah close to MGH’s home in Draper it adds to the plot that Fern was also Vernon’s sister. This stop led him to an entirely unplanned teaching job in Keosauqua and also to speaking in church the coming Sunday where I was in attendance.

Was it coincidence that brought us together that fateful Sabbath? I suppose you could say no but just look at the events that led to our meeting when we did and you just might begin to wonder. . . . As MGH’s father told his assembled family at a reunion one summer’s day when as an old man he called his two youngest children to come stand beside him and he then pointed out that two people had given their lives so that Thelma and DeVon could come into the family they did.

I like to think that we met and married because there were 5 children that needed to come through the G___/A_____ line. That MGH and I had things we needed to learn that we could only learn from each other. The choice was not predestined. It was not an easy one for me as proved by the fact that I ‘dear john-ed’ MGH after returning to BYU at the beginning of my junior year. I was hesitant to return home for Christmas that year and had decided to go with a roommate to her home in Idaho instead. I changed my mind after receiving a letter where MGHTB expressed his sorrow and wrote me the words to a song from the Broadway musical Carousel. The song was “If I Loved You”. Here are the pertinent lines.

If I loved you,
Time and again I would try to say
All I’d want you to know.
If I loved you,
Words wouldn’t come in an easy way
Round in circles I’d go!
Longin’ to tell you,
But afraid and shy,
I’d let my golden chances pass me by!
Soon you’d leave me,
Off you would go in the mist of day,
Never, never to know how I loved you
If I loved you.

The line that touch my heart was, “I’d let my golden chances pass me by!” With that thought in mind I returned home to the farm in Iowa and the rest as they say “is history”.

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November 11, 2007

When Marie was here she left a list of questions for me to answer about my life. I assured her that, even though I had scattered bits and pieces of information throughout my ‘jolets’, I would at least try to answer the questions she had so carefully jotted down for me on a sheet of lined notebook paper and left for my response on the corner of the desk in MGH’s office where it has remained for the past two weeks. Every time I glimpsed ‘the list’ I felt a guilty twinge for not having tackled the task it presented, but not enough of a twinge to do anything about the assignment, perhaps in the vain hope, for that has certainly been the case when I have left dishes in the sink overnight hoping that they will have washed themselves while I slept only to wake and find them still awaiting my attention, that they would have answered themselves through some form of divine intervention.

Oh dear reader, you do not know the many hours I have spent telling myself, “You can do this, you can do this”, for I am mostly quite honest (here I must add that it is not the big things that do me in but the small . . .) in my dealings with others and I especially did not want to fail Marie who is so generous in her help to others by not providing the information she requested. I said this so many times that I actually began to believe that it would be possible—that is until I read the first question and I knew then that my goose was cooked for the question asked was, “What were the family circumstances at your birth”, and if that wasn’t bad enough the next question was “Tell about your birth”.

To begin with I am the wrong person to ask about my birth as I have absolutely no memories of this momentous occasion other than to note that it happened June 4, 1940 in SnowFlake, Navajo County, Arizona. I know this because that is what my birth certificate says with, perhaps, the most telling evidence being that I am still here 67 years later. My father is F.I. G___ and my mother is N.J.W._________. For the story of my birth one would need to go straight to the horses’ mouth, so to speak, and ask my mother who actually did the work but unfortunately, since she died May 17, 1965 in Iowa City, Iowa I can’t do that. This fact alone lends some credence that it is better to ask questions about family history while the person you are interested in is still living rather than wait until the Millennium or depend on a daughter’s memory.

As proof of the accuracy of my birth certificate I have a small black and white picture of a dark haired baby sitting in a basket outside a modest house which mother identified as me in her careful handwriting. This picture is to be found in the small pink covered album that she kept for her first born. (To be strictly accurate the picture has been removed but the adhesive still remains as proof of its existence and I know I have that picture somewhere. . . . ) Among the items noted therein is the fact that I weighed in at 7 lbs. 6 oz. and that I was 19 ½ inches in length. Other items gleaned from this little book were: first smile June 27, 1940, first tooth, Dec.15. 1940, first crept Feb 1, 1941, first stood up alone Jan. 15, 1941, first step June 8, 1941. On my first birthday I received 2 dresses and 1 sun suit along with a dollar for my bank account. (I had forgotten until I saw it that mother had a bank account for each of us that she added to with savings bonds purchased as she was able for each of her daughters. I can vaguely remember being with her as a small child in the bank as she tended to her business there and that she kept careful track of the money she was putting aside.)

The second baby book that mother kept for me was a gift from dad’s sister Paula. It has a few additional details such as color of hair, black, color of eyes, blue, remarks “sweetest babe ever”. Under baby’s first outing there is the notation July 12, 1940 to Tempe and Casa Grande to visit Grandma W_________. First week in August 1940 to San Diego to visit Grandma G___. Chronicled as well is the information that I took my first steps alone on June 8, 1941. My first words at eleven months were “Who’s that”, “kitty”, and “no, no, no.” Under cute sayings she wrote, “Too-too get out of my way”, (I am guessing that I was probably trying to say choo-choo) along with “happy daddy”. She further records that, “at 2 years trys to say everything”. There is also the cryptic comment, “put on formula at 7 months. Under pets and their names is “kitty”. My favorite toys at two were books, pencils and dolls. My favorite stories were The Three Pigs, Little Black Sambo, bible stories, Heidi. For aptitudes she writes, “Very good at story telling—Excellent memory—July 1946 told story “The Three Pigs” over microphone at park on family night.

This is what she wrote for baby’s first Christmas, “Joann spent the Christmas Holidays at Grandma W_________’s in Casa Grande. The tree and presents were at Aunt Bessies. The gifts were opened Christmas Eve. Numerous toys. A ball, rubber animals that squeek, Ratttles too, Dresses and material for dresses, a gold locket from Uncle Willie, a Heart shaped locket from Uncle Frank and Aunt Loretta, Grandma W. a high chair, a bed from Mom and Dad, a spoon and fork from Aunt Paula, a pretty pink dish and T. ring from Grandma G. also a bib. It was a Happy Christmas!

By my second birthday I weighed 23 lbs. and my height was 34 inches. Then she records that on my third birthday I weighed 26 pounds. “Had to go on no fat diet, Dr. says I am unable to gain weight because I have been eating fats.” For my fourth birthday she writes that I weighed 31 pounds. She further adds, “Mommie came home from hospital with Darlene. Nancy had dinner with me. We had lots of fun playing together. I haven’t eaten fats for a whole year and I felt a lot better. I haven’t gained much weight though.”

The rest of the entries just list my weight, or lack there of, which was apparently of some concern at the time. Boy how I wish I could say the same now as I have grown into a plump—somewhat on the far side of pleasing- little old lady who is not about to leave a written record for the world to read and ponder at some future date as to her current weight.

It has been enjoyable to go back and look once more at the record mother kept of my first years. There was much to be gleaned from my perusal. Some things never change. The birth of a baby is an absolute delight and has been from the beginning.

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November 4, 2007

Marie paid us a quick visit this past week. We really enjoyed having her with us—she is a kind and thoughtful daughter who always goes to great effort to make us feel welcome when we visit her home. She is doing a tremendous amount of research for a class she is taking and made the long drive here in order to do some taping of her dad’s memories about various bits and pieces from his past, which, by the way, I think he quite enjoyed, managing to talk him self hoarse in the process. I think it’s the most fun that he has had in a long time! In the process of going through boxes hunting for various documents and certificates that she needs I came across the following carefully folded and placed in the cobra snake skin purse that Taj gave me as a going away present when we left Al Safi Dairy thirteen years ago. It is a talk I gave in one of the meetings. It has a bit of family history that you might find interesting. The piece is titled, Service—how and why we do it

Picture, if you will, a 64 year old man perched on top of a tall ladder, can of paint in one hand, holding a paint brush full of paint in his other. Straining to reach the top of the wall where it joined the ceiling 22 feet from the floor so that his ‘crew’ consisting of his 16 year old grandson, 2 missionaries and Brother Greene could follow after with their rollers and paint the easy stuff down lower.

What were these five doing in my home in DeForest, Wisconsin one cold March Saturday a year ago?

To begin with, the 64 year old was our long time home teacher Brother Boyd Hamlin who is a man with a real gift for finding ways to help when there is a need. Our family could list many ways that he has rendered service and we are not alone in receiving his assistance whenever, whatever the need. He didn’t even flinch at the monumental task of helping us unload the 4 x 12 foot sheets of drywall that were part of the package of materials that came when we built our new home in 1976 although, he did admit to being pretty tired when it was all off the truck.

He was the one who borrowed a pick-up and followed us 80 miles to Milwaukee on sad day when it became necessary for us to bring our pregnant daughter and her 5 young children to live with us after she had been abandoned by her husband. We had only thought to bring her and the children back in our car but he was the one who realized they might appreciate having a few things come with them. So thanks to him the rocking chair and food storage along with the toys came as well.

He also made arrangements to store her belongings at a warehouse owned by the company he worked for until such a time as she was able to use them in a place of her own.

It was, indirectly because of 6 pairs of little fingers trailing across the walls that led me to ask his advice on finding a painter as the original paint inside our house was a water based spray meant to hide imperfections but not at all able to handle what little children can do knowingly and unknowingly to walls. Alas, if scrubbed the paint dissolved down to the sheet rock. Things were beginning to look a little desperate—something had to be done.

As an executive for Diamond Vogel, a paint company, I figured Bro. Hamlin could give me good advice—which he did. Let me also add that I would have painted it myself but I lacked a tall enough ladder and the courage to have used it had I had one. The more he thought about it the more he felt like he could round up a crew from church and just come take care of it himself, which is what happened. Once again this good brother had come to our aid.

That’s the how of how he came to be perched on top of the ladder—but now the why.

I believe it was because he truly understands that we are all in this life together as a unit. That when we reach out in service to others we are helping our Heavenly Father reach his goal which the scriptures tell us is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.

It’s been hard for me to be so far away from the rest of my family. Therefore, I rejoice when I hear of kindnesses and help that have been given them by others since I can’t be there to do it for them myself.

I wonder if Heavenly Father doesn’t feel that way about all of us so far away from our home with him. He’s done his best in providing us with a beautiful earth with all that’s required to sustain life. Then he’s allowed us to go our way and learn the lessons we need to learn here.

But how can he give us the help we need when we are so far away from him? President Spencer W. Kimball has said, “The Lord does notice us and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore it is vital that we serve one another”. There is a saying that I like that touches on this truth. “God couldn’t be everywhere—that’s why he made mothers!” To which I would also add Fathers and Brothers and Sisters as well.

It’s beautiful isn’t it and so simple really. We watch out for one another. We do for others what they can’t do for themselves. We link hands and lift and carry and love and share all that we have and are. We bear one another’s burdens, we comfort those that mourn, we care for the sick and clothe the naked ‘till we reach home again.

In return we find our lives broadened and enriched. We find ourselves walking the path that Christ walked. We learn that service is love in action. When we help others we are about our father’s business. That to be a servant is better than to be served. That the good things we desire for ourselves are desired by all peoples and can be obtained here and now when we reach out first to our families, then to our communities and then to our world.

I’d like to close with the words to one of the most simple but lovely hymns in the hymnal. As I Have Loved You, text and music by Lucine Clark Fox.

As I have Loved you, Love one another. By this shall men know ye are my disciples, if you have love one to another.

This is my prayer for us all.

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