Confession

April 12, 2009

Well, now I’ve gone and done it
and after I thought it was such a good idea,
on the order of ‘the starts half the journey
‘ if you catch my drift. . . .
I mean when I entered the date for this letter
and then closed the page without writing anything else
because I had to leave
and I did so want to feel that I was going to get something written
and the date at the top of a pristine white page
was like a promise to myself that I would return. . . .

When I did I never thought I would think I had finished when I hadn’t
but because I did
I went ahead and wrote April 19th’s letter on the 26th
when it should have been the 12th.
I mean I had this vague feeling
that I was two letters behind which was why it was such a relief
when I clicked on the recent document list
and it showed me I wasn’t
because there was April 12th big as life
so it was only natural, don’t you think to go on to the 19th ?

This experience has shown me,
as if I didn’t already know,
that ‘honesty is the best policy’
ranking right up there with
‘measure twice and cut once’,
which is what I should have done
especially since I knew I was writing behind.
The Amish have a clever little phrase
that explains how I got to where I am,
“the hurrier I go—the behinder I get”.

Oh well, what can I say,
except to quote MGS Barbara
who says that since she has retired she lives
in a week full of Saturdays
which makes her really glad for Sunday.
This statement has been a great comfort to me because
it explains why time seems to go so much faster as I grow older
and that is
there are now only two days in the week!
No wonder I can’t keep up.

A Letter From Home–1965

April 19, 2009

As many of you have reason to know, I am totally disorganized when it comes to the bits of family history that have managed to survive our many moves. I think that when a person lives in the same house for forty or so years they are much more likely to have an attic full of ‘treasures’ which can be surveyed by appropriate family members bent on sorting through them (I have been heavily influenced here by Wallace Stegner’s Pulitzer prize winning book Image of Repose, that has the main character writing his grandmother’s biography using numerous letters and memorabilia which she had saved as a source of information.) with many an oooh and aaah over the contents and what they reveal about the family members who lived there. Sadly, this information about us is almost non-existent as we have moved many, many times over the past 47 years that MGH and I have been married which means that the remains of our days can be found in a few cardboard boxes that have survived the weeding process that so often goes with moving. This getting rid of things is, easier for me, having been greatly influenced by Miss Grace Randell, than MGH who is much more ‘clingy’ than I am when it comes to holding onto things. Perhaps I can best illustrate this by telling you about the contents of one of his boxes which is full of data entry cards circa 1974 (How many people even know what a data entry card is or, for that matter, that the earliest computers filled vast air conditioned rooms and weren’t as powerful as a laptop is today?) saved from his first years with ABS. These cards contain the results of some statistical analysis that he did for ABS on their beef bull breeding program which he fully intended to write up for a scientific journal. MGH’s philosophy is, ‘when in doubt don’t throw it out’. So to his way of thinking if you might be able to use something in the future, no matter how far distant that future might be then you had better hang on to it. I was a partial disciple of this belief until I found myself about fifteen years into our marriage sitting on the floor with the contents of a zillion rusty tin cans spread out around me trying to sort the bent nails they held into some kind of order. After working at this diligently for hours I began to wonder just how many times I had ever seen these items used after they had been so carefully saved and I had to honestly say the answer was, NEVER. Problem solved. I dumped everything into the trash and never looked back and to my knowledge, neither has MGH. (MGH might not agree with me here and could no doubt point to the contents of some of ‘my’ boxes as proof that I am not as virtuous as I might think in the chucking department.)

Now, having said all of the above, finding a bit of memorabilia, that has managed to escape from the boxes/files/suitcases/piles where it has been carefully tucked, becomes quite exciting when it surfaces. Such is the case with the following letter which I came across the other day. I am taking the time to immortalize this letter from Dad in my writings before it disappears on me once more and sinks back into a pile where its anonymity is a given until/unless it works its way back up to the top again. Of course there is always a chance that I might get organized. . . . (I think I have mentioned before what a big thanks we own Kathy for the work she put into salvaging family history that was slowly rotting away along with the Johnson house, but this is her story to tell.) The following letter was written on the little portable typewriter (seems like it was a Smith Corona). Mother passed away on May 17, 1965 leaving Dad to carry the load in communicating with his daughters which was a task she had previously performed. Kathy would have been around 14 at this time.

At Home
September 26, 1965

Dear Joanne—DeVon and Family

Always nice to get the monthly news from Onawa but especially so when it contains a note saying your are going to visit grandpa Gano and Kathy. We are looking forward to seeing you and really wish that you could bring the entire family but suppose someone has to stay home to do the chores.
Have been having lots of rainy weather the past three weeks which really put a kink in silo filling at Big Bend. Also stopping all the other types of field work. Hope to get back in the field with the chopper tomorrow but with rain forecast I am not at all sure we will make it. (It has always amazed me how accurate the forecasters are when they predict rain that you don’t especially need and how wrong they can be when the predict rain is coming that you do need.)
Have had a couple letters from Barbara since she landed in Indianapolis. Last one said she had landed a job as secretary in or with some Insurance Company. Kathy and I are planning on taking a load of her things down to her some time this fall but haven’t decided just when we can get the job done. Last Sat. (yesterday) Kathy had an all day session at an F.H.A. District meeting that was held here in Keosauqua or we would have (been) gone this weekend. She is sure one busy girl. She helps me with the chores (feeds the calves) cooks, does the washing and ironing as well as other house work plus the shopping on Saturday. On the side she goes to school.
Had Keo Branch conference today. Started at 8:30 AM and finished at 4:PM. It was, in my opinion, one of the finest conferences we have had at the Branch. President Johnson is a very capable and very dedicated leader. (Max Johnson was the District President.) We only have 31 members in our Branch now which is a decided drop from the 78 that we had a few years back. I am most thankful that we got the Chapel built when we did for we probably wouldn’t have the courage to undertake such a task now.
I suppose that you still get the Keosauqua paper or do you? If not the enclosed funeral Service program will let you know that Vernon died in his home at Bonaparte, while sleeping, the night or early morning of the 15th. Sister Flake was at the Conference today having returned from her trip west just last Wednesday. She is taking care of the remaining turkeys, about 1200, and plans to continue to do so until they are marketed in November then she will be going back out to Salt Lake.

Looking forward to seeing you. Lots of Love

Grandpa Gano

Just a note that he typed Grandpa Gano at the bottom of the letter but also signed it with a handwritten Dad. There is also a handwritten post script that says, “ Kathy say(s) has big football game Friday with Dance following (home coming) so if we’re not at home when you arrive don’t wait up for us.

Thoughts on General Conference

April 5, 2009

Today is General Conference which means we stay home and are considered members in good standing even if wearing pajamas while listening/watching our General Authorities speak to us as an entire church community. I suppose this could seem a little strange to those not of our religious persuasion accustomed as they are ‘to a steady as she goes’ routine in regard to their meetings who might possibly see our activity (or lack thereof) on some Sunday’s as a peculiar way of worship. There’s nothing new in that thought as we Mormon’s have been pushing the envelope of Christian belief/thought, and thereby tweaking the respective noses of all other Christian faiths, since our beginning. (I,of course, would never do this as I was raised with the understanding that to be truly ‘up’ in the morning required being dressed and to be seen in one’s night dress was considered a ‘tech indecent. In the home of my girlhood one absolutely never appeared in one’s bed clothes, even if covered by a house coat, outside one’s bed room, with an exception being made for a trip to the bathroom and that only in the middle of the night with the lights off. Of course I am exaggerating here as I don’t think I ever had a house coat when I was at home not that that really mattered as I never needed to get up in the middle of the night then either. The point being that it was a total anathema to my parents to not have their children fully dressed from the moment they got up to the moment they went to bed. Old habits die hard and to this day I still find myself cringing when I go out to get the paper of a morning wearing my housecoat even though I am much more covered than if were wearing a swim suit which is perfectly okay when swimming even though very little is left to the imagination. Go figure.)

I like General Conference. I always have. I find it comforting to hear these good men and women, who are our leaders, give advice and counsel on how to live a more Christlike life. I feel like the spiritual side of me has been given a much needed refreshing, a spiritual renewal after the battering it has taken since the previous Conference six months earlier. General Conference actually involves two days worth of meetings beginning on Saturday. Here in Utah where all sessions, except the Priesthood Session on Saturday evening, are televised which is a treat, if you are L.D.S or a real pain in the keister if you are not and are denied access to favorite programs that are preempted by channel 5 which happens to be owned by the church which allows them to eat the loss of revenue to the station and provide this service for church members who are still a majority in the state of Utah. In all honesty I must admit that only about 60% of the state is LDS, now, which means the ire against the ‘dominant religion’, as we are fondly referred to by those not of our faith, ratchets up a notch or two higher for a few days. Oh well, as a line from a family favorite says, “wot can’t be ‘elped must be endured” (see HTTP://oldpoetry.com/opoem/14021-Marriott-Edgar-Albert-s-Return if interested in where this line originated.)

If our ‘Dear Leader’, He Whose Name Must Not Be Mentioned can tell an elected representative, “I Won” as the reason why no ideas but his are to be considered in passing legislation that affects the whole country, then in that context perhaps it is easier to understand, “We were here first”, as a justification for a few eccentricities that could be a little unnerving to those who arrived after Brigham Young looked down into the Valley of the Great Salt Lake and stated, “This Is the Place” and no, there is absolutely no truth to the claim by some members that he really said, “This is not the place. Drive on to California”. The descent was made down the difficult rocky ridge that would take these Pioneers to their new home. What must have been their thoughts as they first saw a place so barren that no one in their right mind would want to live there. The land was deemed so worthless by Jim Bridger, a mountain man who had traveled extensively all over the inter mountain west which gave him a pretty good idea of what could or couldn’t be done in terms of settlement that he offered to pay a thousand dollars for the first bushel of corn grown in that benighted area. Brigham Young, who was never one to pass up a challenge where money was involved, took Bridger up. It was not an easy task they had set for themselves as they darn near starved to death those first few years. Of course the ‘Saints’ dream of finding an isolated spot no one else would desire was brought up short by the ever westward expansion of our nation to the shores of the Pacific Ocean. It turned out that they were smack dab in the middle of the weary miles between civilization to the East and the growth that was to take place in the West. Salt Lake City literally was to become the ‘cross roads of the West’ a stopping off place where the exhausted wagon trains could be refurbished.

These were hard times for the Saints who believed they could beat the odds and make the desert blossom as a rose. The following prophecy was made by Heber C. Kimball of whom it is said, “No man, perhaps Joseph Smith excepted, who has belonged to the Church in this generation, ever possessed the gift of prophecy to a greater degree than Brother Kimball. Although not at all pretentious, he was somewhat celebrated among his acquaintances for his prophetic inspiration. The prediction which he made soon after the arrival of the pioneers in the Salt Lake Valley, that the destitute Saints would soon be supplied with clothing, and that ‘States goods’ would be sold in Salt Lake City as cheap as New York, seemed almost unreasonable at the time it was uttered. Its fulfillment, however, by the unexpected influx of gold-seekers, making their way to California, and anxious to lighten their loads by selling their goods at almost any price, is now a matter of history. (While hunting for the above quote I came across the following which you may find interesting as well. Google Prophecy of Heber C. Kimball to Sister Amanda S. Wilcox. This was given in 1856: ‘Yes, we think we are secure here in the chambers of the everlasting hills, where we can close those few doors of the canyons against mobs and persecutors, the wicked and the vile, who have always beset us with violence and robbery, but I want to say to you, my brethren, the time is coming when we will be mixed up in these now peaceful valleys to the extent that it will be difficult to tell the face of a Saint from the face of an enemy to the people of God. Then, brethren, look out for the great sieve, for there will be a great sifting time, and many will fall; for I say unto you there is a TEST, a TEST, a TEST coming, and who will be able to stand? (Source: Orson F. Whitney, Life of Heber C. Kimball, pp. 446-7)

The above is not at all what I intended to write when I began my musings on General Conference. All I’ve ended up saying, and that rather obliquely, is that those who came later to join their labors with the Saints need to cut their LDS neighbors some slack when Conference time comes around. This is a concept that works both ways and when done with consideration for others beliefs makes for a state with a great ‘diversity’ of citizenry which can delight and enrich all who live here.

March 29, 2009

As I continue to peruse the pages of this small, worn black book with its eclectic collection I find my appreciation growing for my mother. Such small snippets of her thoughts are left to search as I seek a greater understanding of this woman who gave me birth. I wish there were more but I find myself grateful that there is at least this small reminder of her. I will be the first to admit that Mother and I did not see eye to eye on some things with perhaps the greatest being my marriage to a man twelve years my senior. it wasn’t as if she were unacquainted with the idea of a large difference in age between marriage partners as her father was 13 years older than her mother. To be honest I hadn’t realized this until yesterday when I was sorting through pictures and came across several that were taken of the headstones that mark my grandparents graves in Casa Grande, Arizona where they are buried. For some reason this time I actually looked at their birth and death dates and was quite startled to find the age difference. I mean, I thought I was probably the only one on the face of the earth, if my mother was to be believed, who ever married a man this much older. Well, there was also the little fact that he had six young children as well which, to be perfectly honest, is enough to curl any mother’s hair over the thought of just what her very naive daughter was getting herself into. If she thought I hadn’t a clue I will have to admit she was right although I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction of agreeing at the time, in fact, the more she went at me about my choice the more I dug in my heels.

I know one of the things she fretted about was the possibility of my being widowed at an early age. The fact that her father died when she was only fourteen must have brought her very close to her mother. I think it must have weighed heavily on her to see grandmother live another 30 years after her husband’s death struggling those first years to raise her two children and then have so many lonely years after that. I am guessing that she was horrified to think that a daughter might possibly be putting herself in a position to experience the same fate. It would have been nice to be able to reassure her at the time that she needn’t have worried about that particular issue as MGH and I have been married now for 47 years. As for the ready made family—she needn’t have worried about that either. I couldn’t have asked for better children to love and care for as they managed to survive my inexperience in a totally satisfactory manner. Truthfully, they were such good help that I never felt I was burdened with more than I could handle. Mother actually became reconciled to my marriage after several years, commenting to me after one visit that “I had my husband wrapped around my little finger”. I am not quite sure what she meant by that but at least I wasn’t ‘barefoot and pregnant’ all the time which I think she thought might be the case.

Well, I don’t exactly know what the point of the above two paragraphs is other than all this digging into the past through her book has dredged up thoughts about my growing up years. However it is time to get back to the business at hand. I found the following outline for a talk, titled:

How to Attain the Ideal of the Perfect Celestial Family.

Someone once asked Brigham Young what topic or subject should he use in giving a talk at Sacrament meeting. He replied, “speak of your own experiences”. I hope experiences will be interesting

1.long before I became a member
–Father’s Experiences
–Pleaded with his family to live righteous life
–accept doctrine of Celestial Marriage
2.No end to things we can
–first things first: Genealogical work is fascinating
–show book
–Why should anyone ignore it
–Long hours of research necessary for each name sent through Temple
–48 names recently sent
–Joy and satisfaction,
–Thrill to be able to send another family group sheet to the index bureau for recording

–This is necessary to bring families an opportunity to gather in the
Celestial Kingdom.
–Anyone who tries will receive ample reward for their efforts.
–Show photostatic copy of bible record
–show record of Waddington family
–attention to work book

I hope Temple work will prove as interesting to me as genealogy is.

1. Feel like a pioneer must have felt looking ahead and seeing wonderful
wonderful opportunities.
–My husband and I are the only members in our families who belong
to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
–Great responsibility because we are the only ones who can act as a
connecting link to bring our ancestors to the greater happiness.

–Tri-Stake meeting of Temple Workers, President Mecham made a statement that was impressive. “The Genealogical and Temple workers of the church are as important as the Priesthood and should not be classed with the Auxiliary

Sadly, this is all there is as there seems to be a page missing that had the rest of her outline for this talk. It would be interesting to have the rest of her notes to see how she reached her conclusion but I am guessing she pointed out that the sealing ordinance in the temple binds families together as a Celestial family and by extension it is the genealogy research that makes this possible. One of the things that I have noticed about Mother’s talks is their length. We have gotten used, to shorter meetings now. This allows everything to fit the block format which has Sacrament meetings lasting an hour and ten minutes. Sacrament meetings weren’t always as rigidly structured. I’m guessing that this talk would easily be at least 30 minutes in length. I am also guessing it was given while we lived in Mesa as that is where she did most of her genealogical research. I can remember how excited she was to be able to go to the temple and do ‘work’ for her family.
,
Sad to say, I don’t remember Mother speaking in church. Maybe I was too young or perhaps it was as Dad used to tell us, “the mind can absorb no more than the seat can endure”, and I simply tuned out.

Sacrifice

March 22, 2009

I continue to troll Mother’s little black book for insights into her past not only for what it tells about her but how her beliefs shaped us, her daughters, as well. That she loved her children dearly is a given. She proved this over and over by the sacrifices she made for us in so many ways with perhaps the greatest, in terms of the cost to her physically, being her return to teaching so that she could raise the money to send us to college. That she was willing to do so shows the importance she and dad placed on their daughters receiving a college education which was not the norm at that time. For a family as cash strapped as ours that they were able to accomplish this is truly remarkable.

Finding a job in the teaching profession was extremely difficult for her in the rural area in which we lived. I know she taught her first year in a one room school in Missouri that had a a huge pot bellied stove that needed to be fired up before the children arrived so that the room would be warm for them in the winter time. I don’t remember how far she had to drive but it seems like a fairly long commute which proved to be quite a drain on her time and energy. I went with Mother to her school one day when I was home for Christmas vacation to play, believe it or not, Santa for her students. She had scrounged up a costume from somewhere and with the aid of a strategically placed pillow and a lot of Ho, ho, ho’s rendered in as deep a voice as I could manage, to the great delight of the children; I delivered the small gifts she had so carefully chosen for them.

While finding a teaching position close to home was discouraging to her she was not to be deterred in her efforts deciding to take the training necessary to become a teacher in special education which was in its infancy. At that time there was a movement afoot in the country to return children who were currently institutionalized back to their homes where they would be cared for, hopefully, in a more wholesome atmosphere with their education provided by professionally trained teachers working under the direction of the local school district. (Not all children were institutionalized, only the most severely handicapped. Many of these special needs children were kept at home where they were often hidden away because of the shame felt by their families for having a child who was not ‘normal’. I can remember Mother telling how one of the first things she had to do was to locate them which I believe she did by comparing birth records with school records to find the children who were not enrolled in school and then paying visits to the homes and convincing their parents that that schooling would be a good thing for the children.)

I was gone from home by the time she began teaching so my knowledge of this part of mother’s life is based mostly on ‘hearsay’ from my sisters. I know she had to travel a considerable distance to receive her training which included time spent working with special needs children in the institutions where they were kept. Some of this training took place in the summer between my sophomore and junior year at BYU because I can remember being home for the big storm that had winds so strong that the electrical poles that lined Highway 2 were literally pushed back in the ground a good six inches in some places along our fence line. Because of her training Mother was gone during the week this happened which meant she missed this storm entirely, but she was home that weekend when we were privileged to have our own personal tornado. When she expressed concern to Dad, suggesting that it might be a good idea to take shelter in the basement he just snorted and told her, “You should have been here Tuesday when the wind really blew”. Imagine his surprise the next morning when he got up and found the barn twisted on its foundation and half the pole barn scattered across the pasture while the empty round corn storage bin had been lifted up off its concrete pad and rolled down the lane that led to the creek.

Our home library had several small books of poems that I enjoyed reading. One of them was a small book of poems by Edgar A. Guest, that could be found in the bookshelf that was built into the end of the large storage closet in Grandmother Waddington’s bedroom. I don’t know why I have never thought of it before but our farm house was built on the pattern of so many of the homes that used to dot the countryside in the middle west of my youth and that is four rooms upstairs and four rooms downstairs. Our house originally had a living room in the front of the house that opened into what would have been a parlor that probably had doors that could close it off if desired. By the time we moved there, or it could be that Dad closed it off when Grandmother came to live with us—I don’t remember, the doorway had been closed off with bookshelves in the top half of the space while the bottom half was filled in making an ideal place to position the sofa. Not that any of this has anything to do with what I started out to say but I remember going to those shelves many times to find something to read and how much I enjoyed the poetry in this little book, Barbara tells me Guest’s poems were Dad’s favorites. At any rate here is a poem from that time that applies to Mother and the things she collected in her little black book.

You tell on yourself by the friends you seek,
By the very manner in which you speak,
By the way you employ your leisure time,
By the use you make of dollar and dime.
You tell what you are by the things you wear,
By the spirit in which you burdens bear,
By the kind of things at which you laugh,
By the records you play on the phonograph.
You tell what you are by the way you walk,
By the things of which you delight to talk,
By the manner in which you bear defeat,
By so simple a thing as how you eat.
By the books you choose from the well-filled shelf:
In these ways and more, you tell on yourself.
Author Unknown

As her daughter I can say she had nothing to be ashamed of in the choices she made. Being human she wasn’t perfect, she had things she struggled with, as do we all, but she did the best she could and that is what she taught us to do as well.