:Family Matters

August 9, 2009

I always enjoy hearing from MGH when he forwards articles/stories/jokes by e-mail—especially the jokes. Here are some of his recent ones.

You gotta love this one even if you’ve never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others. Southerners can be so polite!
ATLANTA AIRPORT

Atlanta ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air 511 — You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.”

Saudi Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R - Allah be Praised.”

Atlanta ATC: “Tower to Iran Air 711 –You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.”
Iran Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R. - Allah is Great.”
Pause…
Saudi Air: ” ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC”

Atlanta ATC: “Go ahead Saudi Air 511.”

Saudi Air: “YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.”

Atlanta ATC: “Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah “hey” for us — ”
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Or how about this one:
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turned yellow just in from of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping at the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. Then I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker, Choose Life license plate holder, Follow Me to Sunday-School and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally. . . I assumed you had stolen the car.”
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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,  but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possible help mankind.

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?’
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Someone once said, ‘laughter is the best medicine’ so, okay, I went to the Internet to try and find a name for the afore mentioned Mr. Someone as I wished to give credit where credit is due. My intentions were quite honorable as he is so often quoted but sadly I was unable to locate him. However, I did find this thought which I find quite beautiful and wish to share with you:

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” Sam Keen

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July 26,

Because July, to me, is the month we celebrate our nations birth I wanted to find something patriotic to share with you. I found it in the following poem:

I AM THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
By Howard Schnauber
I am the flag of the United States of America.
My name is “Old Glory”.
I fly atop the world’s tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America’s halls of justice.
I fly majestically over institutions of learning.
I stand guard with power in the world.
Look up and see me.

I stand for peace, honor, truth and justice.
I stand for freedom.
I am confident.
I am arrogant.
I am proud.

When I am flown with my fellow banners,
My head is a little higher,
My colors a little truer.

I bow to no one!
I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshiped — I am saluted.
I am loved — I am revered.
I am respected — and I am feared.

I have fought in every battle of every war
for more then 200 years.
I was flown at Valley Forge, Gettysburg,
Shiloh and Appomattox.
I was there at San Juan Hill,
the trenches of France,
in the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome
and the beaches of Normandy, Guam,
Okinawa, Korea, and Vietnam.
I was there. I led my troops.
I was dirty, battle-weary and tired,
but my soldiers cheered me
And I was proud.

I have been burned, torn and trampled
on the streets of countries I have helped set free.
It does not hurt, for I am invincible.

I have been soiled upon, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of my country.
And when it’s by those whom I’ve served in battle — it hurts.
But I shall overcome — for I am strong.

I have slipped the bonds of Earth
and stood watch over the uncharted frontiers of space
from my vantage point on the moon.
I have borne silent witness
to all of America’s finest hours.
But my finest hours are yet to come.

When I am torn into strips
and used as bandages
for my wounded comrades on the battlefield,
When I am flown at half-mast to honor my soldier,
Or when I lie in the trembling arms
of a grieving parent at the grave of their fallen son or daughter,
I am proud.

MY NAME IS “OLD GLORY”.
LONG MAY I WAVE.
DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN,
LONG MAY I WAVE.

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July 19, 2009

Arrgh! Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed. Cancel that. Change to weeks or even better yet years. (Rip Van Winkle might have been on to something with the bit about going to sleep and waking up twenty years later. Personally I think it would have been easier for him as he didn’t have to deal with with a world that included computers because in his day they were a loooong way in the future. Okay, as I know the suspense must be almost unbearable I will tell you just what it is that has my knickers in such a knot.

It helps, if you understand that I live in a Retirement Home, where my days deal with the ’small’ things of this world such as watching paint dry or waiting for my tomato plants to grow, (I have three), to see if they are ever going to blossom and if they do will they have time to ripen, which I hope they do as I am not a big fan of fried green tomatoes even though I remember mother fixing them in the fall when she was trying to find ways to use the laggards left on her plants before a killing frost swooped in and put an end to the growing season. That, however, was well after we had long since eaten our fill of BLT’S and filled canning jars galore and had sliced tomatoes at meals ’till we turned our noses up at them as they lay there in all their juicy glory begging to be eaten. “Those were the days my friend, I thought they’d never end”, to quote from a song popular in the 60’s. But, they did and without my realizing how good, in so many ways they were and it wasn’t just the tomatoes.

But, I digress, I started out to tell you what knotted my knickers so tight was that I LOST a library book. Something I have not done, (I am not including books lost by my children in this accounting) and in fact have taken great pride in. (Please, no comments about Pride going before the Fall.) This was because I had been taught by goodly parents that such a thing must NEVER happen especially if one hoped to attain any degree of glory in the hereafter. Sigh. And yes, I did look for it, searching high and low throughout the house. I looked in places that haven’t seen the light of day since we moved here 14 years ago with zip, nada to show for my efforts. Therefore, I reluctantly came to the conclusion that there was only one honorable course left open to me and that was to confess my sin and pay for the book. Fortunately, it was an older book and I only needed to fork over $12.95 which was a relief as the end of the month was upon me and I seemed to have ended up with more month than money. I didn’t have to pay as I brought a peace offering with me which was a book I bought on impulse at the grocery store about a year ago. I found it boring and so it lay upon the shelf waiting for better times to arrive. Desiring that there should be some use gotten out of my ill-begotten purchase I took it to the Library and offered the book up for their use along with my confession . Much to my surprise they not only accepted it but were thrilled to get it as it belonged to a series that was extremely popular among their teen readers and furthermore they said I didn’t need to pay for the book I lost because the book I gave them cost about twice as much. So in conclusion I must note that, “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. (Note to self: Cancel the Rip Van Winkle thing—might miss something BIG.)

P.S. Found the missing book the next week and returned it to the library.

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